When people think about passionate relationships, they usually imagine candlelit rooms and dramatic moments. But most relationship experts agree on something far less cinematic: great sex often starts with ordinary, everyday behaviors.
In fact, many studies suggest that emotional connection, respect, and daily affection are the real engines behind long-term desire.
The science behind everyday intimacy
Relationship researcher John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples over several decades, found that strong relationships are built on small, consistent interactions. He famously observed that happy couples make “bids for connection” throughout the day, small attempts to engage, like a comment, a touch, or a question,, and that successful couples respond positively to these bids most of the time.
Similarly, psychotherapist Esther Perel, known for her work on desire and long-term relationships, explains that emotional closeness and erotic energy are deeply linked. According to her, attraction doesn’t survive on routine alone, it grows from attention, curiosity, and appreciation in daily life.
A 2016 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology also found that people who feel appreciated by their partners report higher relationship satisfaction and stronger sexual connection over time.
So what exactly are these couples doing differently?
1. They greet each other with intention
Gottman’s research shows that the first and last interactions of the day carry emotional weight. Happy couples pause to acknowledge each other, through a hug, a smile, or a few words, rather than rushing past one another.
These small rituals reinforce the message: You matter to me.
2. They touch without expectations
According to multiple relationship studies, non-sexual touch increases bonding hormones like oxytocin. Simple gestures—holding hands, sitting close, a quick shoulder squeeze—build comfort and physical familiarity.
This kind of touch removes pressure and keeps intimacy feeling natural rather than transactional.
3. They talk about more than logistics
Research consistently shows that emotional intimacy predicts sexual satisfaction. Couples who share daily experiences, thoughts, and feelings create a deeper sense of connection.
It doesn’t have to be deep or dramatic. Even small conversations about the day help partners feel seen and understood.
4. They express appreciation frequently
A long-term study from the University of Georgia found that gratitude was one of the strongest predictors of marital quality.
Happy couples say “thank you” often, sometimes for very small things. This builds goodwill, reduces resentment, and keeps attraction alive.
Appreciation is like emotional sunlight. Without it, even the strongest relationship starts to wilt.
5. They laugh together
Shared laughter creates positive emotional memories and reduces stress. According to research in Personal Relationships, couples who laugh together report higher relationship satisfaction.
Humor acts like social glue. It softens tension, builds friendship, and makes partners feel closer.
6. They protect their time as a couple
Happy couples treat their time together as something valuable, not something that happens only when everything else is done. Even short rituals, morning coffee together, evening walks, or a weekly date, help maintain a sense of partnership.
Regular connection outside the bedroom keeps the relationship feeling alive inside it.
7. They fight with respect
Conflict is normal, but destructive conflict erodes desire. Gottman identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the biggest predictors of relationship breakdown.
Happy couples disagree, but they listen, repair, and reconnect afterward. Emotional safety creates the foundation for physical intimacy.
The quiet truth about desire
Esther Perel often says that desire needs both closeness and space, but it also needs respect, attention, and emotional warmth. These aren’t grand gestures. They’re built in kitchens, cars, living rooms, and text messages throughout the day.
In other words, what happens outside the bedroom often determines what happens inside it.
Passion isn’t just a spark. It’s a slow, steady flame, fed by a thousand small moments of connection.